At various points in my life, I recall my dad saying these
words when he thought any of us were over-reacting to anything: “Chill, it’s
not brain surgery.” An account of the
last 4 weeks of my life has made those words more real than ever before.
Four Saturday’s ago, I went to the optometrist for what I
thought would be a routine eye check-up. Five years ago I had Lasik surgery and
had been seeing fine (with the exception of the old age need for reading
glasses), so I had never thought to go to the eye doctor. Prior to this
appointment, I had been having some “weirdness” going on in my eyes. For months,
I had dealt with what seemed like eye fatigue and frequent headaches but didn’t
think much of it. After an extensive eye exam, the doctor told me that I had
pressure on my retina and that I either had a tumor or a pseudo-tumor and, untreated,
I was going blind. She wanted me to see an ophthalmologist ASAP. I walked away
understanding that this tumor possibility was on my retina so when I did the obligatory
Google search, that was what I was researching. There is very little info on
retina tumors but they do exist. I gave up the search and decided to just wait.
On the next Wednesday morning, I was seen by the ophthalmologist.
He made the diagnosis a wee bit clearer: yes, I was going blind, if untreated,
but the tumor or pseudo-tumor was on the brain and not the retina. He wanted me
to get in to see a neuro-ophthalmologist within a week.
First thing the next morning, I received a call from the
office of the neuro-ophthalmologist. They had received my file and wanted me to
come in that morning. Two doctors ran several test – one would check and then
the other would immediately confirm with a second opinion. The results: yes, I
did have a pseudo-tumor that needed attention but they did not think there was
a brain tumor. To be sure, they ordered a CAT scan that day (nothing there,
read into this however you’d like) and then an MRI. The MRI did not show a
tumor either. A pseudo-tumor acts like a tumor and produces the same symptoms
but is because of pressure and fluid – in my case, behind the eyes – and is
dangerous if untreated. My symptoms are in both eyes. The first line of
treatment is tomorrow - a lumbar puncture (spinal tap). This will relieve some
of the pressure. Other treatment will be determined next week.
The most intense part of all of this was the morning I
received the call to get to the neuro-opthalmologist - immediately. Cyndi went
with me to this appointment so as to have a second set of ears and to write
things down – lots of info was flowing fast. As we drove up, she asked me if I
was fearful. As a tribute to the peace which passes all understanding as it
flows from our Lord Jesus Christ, I could honestly say, “No.”
During this time, I kept thinking of the words of Jesus, “It
is better to enter the Kingdom of God with one eye than, having two eyes, to be
cast into hell” (Mark 9:47). I particularly dwelt on, “It is better to enter
heaven (the Kingdom of God at glorification).” Is this out of context? Perhaps,
slightly. Although, a Christian should always use adverse situations to examine
herself and this verse is about loving God more than sin. I will not go into
what the Lord has shown me here. No matter what, the idea that living for the
Kingdom is better resonates throughout scripture. I took great comfort in this.
I began to think about what is better:
It is better to enter heaven than to have physical sight.
It is better to enter heaven than to have a “normal” brain.
It is better to enter heaven than to have physical health in
general.
It is better to enter heaven than to have a bank account.
It is better to enter heaven than to be entertained.
It is better to enter heaven than to have the approval of
man.
For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and
forfeit his soul? Mark 8:36
